A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent

About Johanna Von Bigenstrein, the Hairy Pirate Piece of Toast:

Greetin's, ya scalliwags. This be my story, so lend me yer ears, er I'll take 'em by force.


I was born and raised aboard the ship which I later took fer me own, and christened her th' "Floatin' Appliance," th' terror o' the seas. It be a hard life, piratin' and it ain't fer everyone. It be even harder ta be a woman pirate. But I'm glad o' that, sure as I like plunder. Can you imagine the botheration there would be with every ship captained by some self-important wench? Nay, I prefer to be the only one. Me hair, ye dogs, is red as red can be, long, and tangled. Me clothes is dirtier'n sin, and me face is too. I got tar in me hands, 'nd holes in me togs, 'n cutlass in my hand. I gots a fine-lookin peg leg. I gots the best life in the world, the best ship 'n th' seas, and a chest er two fulla loot.


I tell it like it is. If yer expectin' mollycoddling from me, yer noggin 's on crooked. I don't like panty-waisted people, and it takes more than a little ta earn my respect. Some days I'm a Piece of Toast, some I'm a finger puppet, and some I'm a full-bodied human. I'm the best there is, lads, and ye'll never catch me.

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