Although the tongue weighs very little, very few people are able to hold it. -Anonymous

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I was pretty good friends with a guy from my BYU ward for many years. Unfortunately I thought that I was hopelessly in love with him for most of my time at BYU, but fortunately we stayed friends anyway (I'm pretty sure that he knew I liked him, pretty much positive he never even considered liking me back. Granted, I met him when I was pretty young and he's quite a lot older than me) Well, towards the end of my BYU career I decided to "get over him" and subsequently he realized that I wasn't the somewhat immature little girl I used to be. We became really close friends, to the point where I trusted him more than anyone else. It is reasonable to believe, due to the nature and extent of our conversations, that he trusted me to a similar degree. When I left BYU we talked regularly over the phone, and he called me about the same amount of times I called him. When I entered the MTC, he came to see me off, told me he loved me, and promised to write. (All of his own free will-- I did not ask him to meet up with me nor did I give him my address until he asked for it) Unfortunately he moved and I did not have his address. Even more unfortunately he did not write me at all the entire 18 months. I have not been in contact with him since I have returned home. I am worried that maybe he never actually wanted to be friends or thought of me as a close friend, and maybe he thought sending me on a mission and conveniently not giving me his address was an easy way to get rid of me. I am not exactly sure what the deal is. Looking back I am pretty sure I was quite annoying for a long time, but I thought we had gotten over that. Here's the hard question: What the heck is he thinking?! Here's the other question: What do I do now? I miss him. He was my closest friend. I don't have his phone number any more, just an email address. I don't want to bother him if he hates me and/or spent the last year and a half trying to forget about me. But if he really did like being friends and is just a horrible writer and has a reasonable excuse for not calling since I've been home, I want to get back in touch. Here is the twist: Sometimes I still think I kind of like him, a bit. I kind of pushed away other guys my entire time at BYU because in my mind, no one else compared. I am afraid that if I get back in touch, maybe I will fall back into the same unrequited "love" and never actually find anyone. I've known him long enough that if anything was going to happen, it would've by now. It is extra dumb because now I live very, very far away from this kid. I would just try to move on with my life and forget about him but I miss my best friend. I care about him as my friend much more than I care about the random little flicker of an old crush. What now?
Sorry for a dramatic relationship question. I know you get like five million of them but it is therapeutic to write it out.

-Former friend


Dear Former friend,

Don't apologize for a relationship question. We do get a lot of them, but every person is unique and with the way relationships can mess with your emotions and thinking, I think everyone deserves a little TLC and individualized attention for their problems and questions. Just because someone else asked a similar relationship question doesn't mean that another asker's feelings are less relevant or important. 

That being said, I don't think I can provide a lot of tender love and care here. As I was reading your question I kept thinking "if he really liked her, he would have written" in the same way that if a guy really likes you, he'll call you. I'm a big believer of the "he's just not that into you" theory which means essentially that all of the excuses we come up with to make ourselves feel better when dealing with complicated or non-existent relationships are just that--excuses. No, he's not simply intimidated by you. Yes, he might be a little shy, but no, that probably doesn't explain why he completely avoids you. That was a bit of a tangent there, but the principle stands. 

If you were really as close as you thought with this guy, he would have written you. He's either a complete jerk for promising to write and yet not giving you his address, or he just simply wasn't that in to you. I know that this sucks to hear, whether it's true or not, but it's my honest opinion, and sometimes that can be more helpful than a misguided excuse. Maybe. I'll leave that up to you to decide. 

I also think that since you live so far away from this guy, and considering the fact that he hasn't reached out to contact you yet means that you should let it die. You might always have a little something tucked away in some remote corner of your brain for this guy, but I think you should let sleeping dogs lie and this relationship seems to have definitely gone to sleep. If you try to wake it up, you could get a nasty bite. Even if he was interested in maintaining a relationship with you, he doesn't strike me as a very nice guy. Nice guys don't promise to write and then never follow through. Nice guys don't leave people hanging without explanation. It might very well be a good thing that he faded out of your life in a relatively quiet fashion, as much as it may have hurt. 

On the flip side, you could reach out to him and find that he has a perfectly legitimate reason for the long months of silence and BAM, your relationship starts to recover. Despite all my negative advice and tangential ramblings, only you can decide what to do here. I can walk you through my convoluted thought process and your potential options but in the end, you have to make the decision based on factors that I don't know, like your own emotional well being and the past closeness of your friendship with him. Either way, whatever you decide to do, things will work out and you will find peace. It may take a while for you to feel that way, but I'm also a big believer in the "things will get better" theory. 

Sending you good vibes, regardless of what you decide to do,



Dear you,

I just want to jump in and comment that some of us are pretty bad at writing letters (not that I'm guilty of that ever at all in any way). If you want to give this guy a chance to prove that he's just a really poor pen pal, you could just shoot him a quick "Hey, I'm back - how's life going?" email. If he responds, you'll have the chance to start rekindling your friendship and if he doesn't, you'll know that you tried and you can refocus your energy on other relationships.

Best of luck,

~Anne, Certainly


Dear Former,

If he's anything like me, he got married and forgot to tell you.

Dear Missionary Friends I Had Crushes On Or Who Had Crushes On Me,

I got married!  Oh, and also.  I'm sorry.

-Yog in Neverland