Whenever he thought about it, he felt terrible. And so, at last, he came to a fateful decision. He decided not to think about it. ~John-Roger and Peter McWilliams
Question #86894 posted on 06/08/2016 9:20 a.m.
Q:

Beloved Readers,

In response to Board Question #86749, and out of a desire to please our readers, we here at the 100 Hour Board are pleased to announce the inaugural season of The Board Bachelorette.

That being said, no writer will admit to watching The Bachelorette, so we're going to do this thing our own way.

Below, we'll outline the rules and structure, as well as introduce the fabulous writers who will be playing along.

Keep an eye out for the advertisements that we should be posting throughout campus in the next couple of weeks. We look forward to your romantic pursuits.

-The Board Bachelorette

A:

Dear Beautiful,

We writers are pretty excited for this competition, and we're hoping you readers are as well. This is your official chance to WIN A DATE WITH THE BOARD WRITER OF YOUR CHOICE. Some delightfully single writers have graciously entered their names for consideration, and are eager to go out with their attempted wooers.

Structure

Contrary to what the title of this little competition might imply, the structure isn't all that similar to The Bachelorette television show. For one thing, there isn't one designated writer for which the readers must compete. Whoever wins gets to choose their dream date and their dream writer (of those who are willing to participate). In addition, there won't be eliminations. If you want to participate, and we hope you do, you'll be able to see the drama through to the very end.

We've dreamed up six challenges that we hope will be hilarious and enlightening, in which you can prove you're worthy of dating an elusive Board writer. Starting on Sunday, June 19th, we'll post one each week, culminating in the announcement of the winner on Friday, August 5th. More details will follow explaining exactly what each challenge entails and how the submission process will work.

Not only do you lucky readers get to compete, but you'll also get to help determine the winner! Each Saturday, we'll post the contestant submissions, and using green thumbs, you can vote on who deserves this most illustrious honor. We'll keep running commentary posted on the Board Comment Board as well, so you can discuss the frontrunners and the competition at large.

This competition will last six weeks, and we're hoping for a lot of participation. But don't stress if you go on vacation and miss a challenge. The winner won't be determined entirely on the quantity of green thumbs, so you won't necessarily lose the chance to woo the Board writer of your choice if you miss a week.

Rules

The 100 Hour Board is headquartered in Provo, Utah, so contestants must be Utah residents. However, the competition won't end until August, so if you're away from BYU for the summer, never fear! The participating writers can wait a few weeks to meet their romantic stranger, and a date can be scheduled after fall semester begins.

Another difference from The Bachelorette TV show is that we're affiliated with BYU, so we're going to uphold BYU standards. Inappropriate submissions will not be posted. Also, we can accept only heterosexual wooing. But both male and female writers have agreed to participate, so both male and female readers are encouraged to enter the competition.

Keep an eye out for the first challenge, which will be posted on Sunday, June 19th. It will contain all necessary information about how to submit your entries. In the meantime, think about the Board Babe you've been secretly crushing on, or the Board Brother whose bulging biceps you've been dreaming about.

We look forward to hearing from you.

XOXO,

The Bachelorette

A:

Dear Boardchelorette,

With my first serious relationship having recently come to an end (albeit a nice one), I'm not feeling super enthused about jumping back into the swing of the ol' dating thing...

...but perhaps some lady-reader could change my mind about that.

Bring on the Pikachus, terrible puns, and Folk Doctrine, ladies.

-Frère Rubik

A:

Dear Humans/Potential Lovers,

You may be asking yourself at this moment, "Why would I want to go on a date with an anonymous internet entity?" 

But I ask you, dear reader, "Why wouldn't you?" 

By this point, I am sure you are aware of my many good qualities, my devastating good looks, and my Dove commercial-worthy hair. But did you also know that I can lick my elbow while doing the splits and petting an iguana on a mountain top?

I didn't think so. 

If that is not enough to make you want to vote... erm, I meant date me, then, I leave you with this.

Pedro.jpg (source)

Sincerely,
The Soulful Ginger 

A:

Dear TBB,

This looks like fun. I will leave you with this:

TEN's Ten Tips for Wooing TEN

  1. Be awesome.

Y'know, that's really about it, but in the interest of completeness...

  1. Be awesome.
  2. Use good grammar. 
  3. Be passionate about something. It's attractive.
  4. Enjoy food. Can't go wrong with good food.
  5. Be a huge nerd. Bonus points for adorkability.
  6. Enjoy bluntness and sarcasm. In my life, there is no such thing as awkward.
  7. Read. I love all the books. Especially the fictional ones and the science ones.
  8. Appreciate music. Even better, play it. Even better than better, write it. 
  9. Compete with me. Argue with me. Don't assume I'm always right like most people do.
  10. Be willing to cuddle and watch me play video games while we make stupidly hilarious commentary.

Good luck, my friends. 

-TEN

A:

Readers,

  1. Of the three guys I've kissed, two of them were on the first date.
  2. As a senior in high school, for Halloween I dressed as a pregnant woman. People that I had seen every day for the past three months still weren't sure if I was really pregnant.
  3. I know a strange amount of Rob Lowe trivia, gleaned from a car trip I went on with my best friend's mother.
  4. My goal in life is to find and criticize whoever decided culinary terms like "parmesan fluid gel" and "pumpernickel soil" to be good ingredient names. I've asked many a chef, and no one has ever been able to explain it to me.
  5. When I'm happy, I will randomly start singing. Just call me a Disney character.
  6. I have a strange gift for job interviews. Even if I didn't think something went well, I'm offered the job probably 90% of the time.
  7. I name inanimate objects. My purse is named Perseus (because I'm bizarrely amused by puns).

Get at me, boys.

LB Wink.jpg(source)

Love,

Luciana

A:

Dear The Hopefuls,

Do you dare to remove the "Lone" from "The Lone Musketeer"?!?! 

But really, what would I be called if I were no longer alone?

Would YOU like to decide?

Cheers,

The Lone Musketeer

A:

Dear All,

Reasons you should date me:

  1. I'M JUST A LONELY GIRL, LIVIN' IN A LONELY WORLD!!!
  2. My dad claims that he's the funniest person I know. I think I might give him a run for his money someday.
  3. I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and hurt you.
  4. My brother is the actual Rick Astley. Or close enough, anyway.
  5. I was once voted "most likely to marry a prince" at a party in high school. So far, every guy that I've dated seriously enough to talk about marriage with has been a prince; so, so far, so good! No pressure.
  6. I'm really good at pretending I'm not completely out of breath when doing strenuous activities such as biking up the hill south of campus or climbing up the RB stairs. Or climbing any stairs. Or getting out of bed in the morning.
  7. I like inexpensive dates. A lot, actually.
  8. When I was five, I won a $100 gift card to Toys R Us through a drawing. I don't have any of it left or anything, but I still consider it one of my greatest accomplishments and I think it proves I'm lucky.
  9. Now, this might put me at an unfair advantage, but I'm going to include a photo. Keep in mind that this isn't edited in any way, it's just my natural, flawless look:

elephant.jpg

And there you have it. All this could be yours if the price is right!

May the force be with you and the odds be ever in your favor.

-the Goose Girl

A:

Readers,

Since I'm new here, that means I only have a couple months to win the heart of every unmarried woman who reads the Board.

Challenge accepted.

-Kirito

A:

Dear Readers,

I present a very abbreviated summary of my qualifications for this competition:

1. Reasons I think you would want to date me
     a. I love baking (and the things I bake taste really good)
     b. I'm passionate about a few things, but I also have a fairly broad range of interests and skills
     c. You'll never have to wonder what I think about you (see Reason 3b)

2. Reasons people have told me that girls would want to date me
     a. I'm nice (most of the time)
     b. I'm on track to have a great job
     c. I'm good at making people laugh

3. In the interest of full disclosure, reasons you may not want to date me
     a. I'm shorter than the average male (but taller than the average female, so don't worry too much)
     b. I'm almost too honest sometimes
     c. I have virtually no dating experience

So if Reasons 1 and 2 look like things you like in a guy, and Reasons 3 don't seem too bad, go ahead and compete for a date with me.

-The Entomophagist

A:

Dear Readers,

I am drawn to the drama here like a lizard to flamethrowers. Behold, my deep and exquisite knowledge of the animal kingdom! But that's not all, folks, no no no that's not all!  I am quite capable of providing for you, providing you don't mind eating things I've scavenged from EFY students... or dumpsters. But gurl, sometimes I even buy food, so you know I ain't cheap. I'm an expert at taking naps, and I can do somersaults. Additionally, I'm a model, so the aforementioned skills can only be classified as model behavior.

Pretty cool, eh? 

Suerte winning the competition,

--Ardilla Feroz

A:

Dear future date,

I won't be available for a date until the Fall semester, but as they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Here are the points in my favor:

  • I'm one of the more reclusive board writers, so I guess I have a bit more mystery.
  • I am 23 years old and 5'8.
  • I love vegetable gardening, mending clothes and darning socks. If we get married I will save you money.
  • If you speak Norwegian or German we can be speaking partners.
  • I'm a Hufflepuff
  • I love cooking soup, especially with bacon in it. Or Gumbo. Gumbo's always good.
  • I did fencing in High school. I'm a good loser, so I can give you private lessons and let you win.
  • I don't want to be vain, but I do have fantastic soft, long, silky hair that is just past hip-length. That's about the only thing I've got going for me.
Honestly though-- if you want a date, just email me.
 
-Squirrel
A:

Hello Kitties,

I don't really read things on the Board but I was told to post something here.

-M.O.D.A.Q.

posted on 06/08/2016 11:31 a.m.
Dear men people,

I may be a tad scatterbrained and late to everything, but I make up for it by having incredible hair.

-Sheebs