Whenever he thought about it, he felt terrible. And so, at last, he came to a fateful decision. He decided not to think about it. ~John-Roger and Peter McWilliams
Question #93508 posted on 03/25/2021 9:56 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends and family assume you had done?

Or if you heard any of the writers were arrested with no explanation, what do you assume they had done?

-Bad to the Bone

A:

Dear Baddie,

I texted two of my friends, and they said:

  • "Something you didn't know was illegal." or "Vandalizing a guy's property who mistreated one of your friends. Avenging someone you love."
  • "Nothing crazy. Maybe a traffic violation. Or assault and battery because someone tried to mess with (Carl Jr.) You've got mama bear energy now."
Not going to lie, I can TOTALLY see myself going mama bear on someone if they tried to snatch Carl Jr.
 
I asked Carl and he said, "You were at the scene of a crime and they thought you had something to do with it, or you were framed."
 
-Goldie Rose
A:

Dear B-b-b-baaaaad,

100% Ardilla was adventuring and adventured too far into war-torn territories... on purpose? Who knows. Or perhaps he was caught climbing a tree on private property after spotting a rare fruit. 

Tipperary probably organized a roller-chair derby that created too much of a ruckus on campus after the buildings closed down for the night, or bocce ball-ed a potato through a car window. (Yes I know they probably wouldn't arrest him for either of those things. That's not important.) 

Goldie Rose snuck into the Church Archives to get her hands on some old documents, or straight up beat up a guy at the park for trying to kidnap Carl Jr. 

For some reason I just imagine Anathema being an Elastigirl/Mrs. Incredible type vigilante who got herself into a sticky situation. 

Those are all I can think of for now. 

I asked my friends and they said "Erratic driving to avoid hitting a baby duck or other baby animal crossing the road." Another said "You got pulled over and the cop said something misogynistic so you punched him in the face." And you know what, they're probably right. 

Cheers, 

Guesthouse

A:

Dear Guesthouse,

Ssshhh! The people must never find out!

Dear Readers,

For real though, Guesthouse's response made me remember how in the pre-COVID days one of my coworkers said I reminded him of a female spy character from a James Bond movie. There was actually a running joke in the office that I was a secret Russian spy. I guess secret spy/vigilante is just a vibe I give off.

Both Alta and Guesthouse would get arrested for participating in protests for equal rights for marginalized groups. Tipperary would get arrested for accidentally instigating a bomb threat (there wouldn't really be a bomb--but the police wouldn't know that). Ardilla would get arrested for somehow showing up in the vent system of a nuclear power plant. Goldie Rose would get arrested for raising an army of ghosts composed of all the people she's done family history work for. 

~Anathema

A:

Dear B-B-B-Bad,

Once I got pulled over for drunk driving. I was sober. I assume this is what my family would think happened if I ended up arrested.

Impressively,

Tipperary, not Tipsy-erary

A:

Dear Bones,

I asked some of my friends and family. Here are the results:

  • 3 people said trespassing
  • 1 person said a traffic violation gone south
  • 1 person said shoplifting
  • 1 person said assault and battery of a misogynist
  • 1 person just said "yeah for sure dead body," so interpret that how you will, I guess
  • 1 person said prostitution
  • 1 person said they'd assume I'd gotten into drugs or some other kind of trouble with one of our mutual friends
  • 1 person refused to answer because he said it was a trick question, despite my assurances to the contrary
For the purposes of fun and procrastination, I put the answers into pie chart form:

 Screen Shot 2021-03-23 at 2.09.43 AM.png

I'm not sure what this says about me, but I'm amused by the answers. For anyone out there now worrying about my character, I promise that most of the people who answered this question started by telling me it was a weird question and that they couldn't see it happening in the first place.

Best,

Josefina