Please consider this passage from C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters
. If you don't know the book, this is some advice given out to an amateur demon to tempt a young man (the "patient"):
Do what you will, there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient's soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary. There is no good at all in inflaming his hatred of Germans if, at the same time, a pernicious habit of charity is growing up between him and his mother, his employer, and the man he meets in the train.
It's great that you're a donor and that you want to help strangers. These are good things. But they're hardly the apex of charity. The notion that you feel charitable, but not to the extent that you're moved to actually physically do
something is contradictory.
If your depression is really affecting your life this much, it's probably clinical depression and you need help. Please see a psychiatrist or a therapist. And then, put your charity where it really makes the most difference: go volunteer at the hospital, or at your local library or elementary school, or in after-school programs, or at an old-folks home, or as a youth mentor, or anything. Serve in your community.
Further: I can't pretend to analyze the psychological implications of your desire to donate your organs. But I can go into the religious implications. You say "It's like a sort of atonement." Please don't take this harshly, but you don't understand the atonement. Please, learn all you can about it. Read your scriptures. Pray. Talk to your bishop about it. Read Ensign
articles about it. Read Believing Christ
by Steven Robinson. When you understand the atonement correctly, it will heal you spiritually. You may still need outside psychological help—that's okay—but the atonement will wash away your guilt and sins.
Your mention of the atonement seems to have the implication that you believe that your self-sacrificial actions can redeem you from sin. Not true. Only one person's sacrifice can redeem us from sin, and that's Jesus Christ's. To appropriate a phrase from Mormon
, likening any good work, no matter how self-sacrificial, to the atonement is "mockery before God, denying the mercies of Christ, and the power of his Holy Spirit, and putting trust in dead works." Good works are important in showing your faith, but they will not save you
. Remember the words of Jesus
, "For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent." Sacrificing your own flesh will not bring you an iota of salvation: only the flesh of Christ.
So, if I haven't misread your question, and you are in any way trying to save yourself, stop it. There's a reason Christ is called the Savior. He saves people. He's the only one who can. He's already paid the price for your salvation, so realize it and accept it, and devote not your body, but your soul and life to him.
As Omni said
, "I would that ye should come unto Christ, who is the Holy One of Israel, and partake of his salvation, and the power of his redemption. Yea, come unto him, and offer your whole souls as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and praying, and endure to the end; and as the Lord liveth ye will be saved."
Waldorf and Sauron